Over this past week I had a heaviness settle on me, I described it as “a peaceful heaviness” to a friend. The troubling thing about it to me was that I couldn’t pinpoint the reason for the heaviness. I didn’t know why I was feeling heavy in my heart. I talked to that friend and they asked if I was depressed, but I didn’t feel down just heavy. So not depressed. I continued wondering what the reason was as days went by. I then realized that I was thinking everyday about the prophetic words I have had over my life. I don’t know if prophetic words are controversial but I have always tried to write them down as soon as I am given one. They are, if not only interesting to look back on, a challenge to my heart.
I have had 5 prophetic words over my life, 4 of which have been written down and that I remember. Starting when I was 1. My mom would tell me that word every once in awhile, then when I was 12, 14 and 18. All in different circumstances and situations. Now I do not obsess over them. I am not constantly looking at them wondering how I can fulfil them. In fact three of the prophetic words are actually very general. But to me in that moment they were very specific. And now that they were on my mind a lot I started to actually think more deeply about them. I started seeing some parallels, but also a cool order to them! I actually feel very vulnerable saying what the words were because they are so personal to me but I also believe that the reason for my heaviness of heart was because I realized the gravity of what these words meant. Not only that, once I realized the “meaning”, at least the meaning for this stage of my life, God confirmed it to me.
When I was 1 and 12 it was prophesied over me that I would be a seeker and lover of Jesus, and that I would yearn for more of His wisdom and knowledge in life. Fairly general but actually profound. I have not always yearned for more of Jesus throughout my life. Some parts of my life I tried to go at things by myself (hint: it don’t work.). Over time though I have grown more and more hungry. In thinking about these words I kind of shrank away. Those are big things! It seems easier sometimes to just go with the flow and not have to work towards your relationship with Jesus. I don’t believe I am or will ever be the wisest person on this earth. Especially since I am really no good at articulating myself in person. Everything always sounds so much better in my head and it never seems to come out right. Which leads me to prophetic word #3, that I would be the leader of many friends. Pft, when the man said that I thought it sounded nice but then I realized that it was pretty near impossible. I am the oldest and in that naturally have leadership abilities BUT when it came to “the trio” friendship I was quiet and was typically the one walking behind the two on the sidewalk because sidewalks are always only two people wide! Oh it really depended on the group I was with but I never felt like a leader. Either I was obnoxious or quiet, at least that’s how I felt. So a leader of many friends... I thought that was silly.
When I was 18 I went to the International House of Prayer to go visit a friend that was doing a internship there. In the prayer room one evening a random girl came over and told me she had a word for me, that I would lead many to light by being a light in a darkening world. That sobered me. It was every timely for that moment, but also I sort of realized what my life was going to look like in that moment. Although at that time I didn’t think of my other prophetic words I did in this week and I realized two interesting things.
1: The order of the words. That my friends is not a mistake. Seeking God and His wisdom needs to come first. The fact that it was said twice is basically like an exclamation point. This is a must for anything else in life to be successful for the kingdom! Your heart Regan needs to be in the right spot and after that everything will fall into place. You will fail, you are human but seek Me first! Seek me when you rise and when you fall! Before you can lead you need to be a follower.
2: I think I realized my “leader of many friends” word is referring to this place. That is why my heart was heavy. It finally hit home that this is a platform that I have to use wisely. I don’t care if only one person reads this it is still a platform. When I realized that I believe it really sobered me. I haven’t used it wisely sometimes. Sometimes I’ve written when I shouldn’t. As soon as it hit me that that was the reason for my heavy spirit, and I was starting to get down on myself about it, I got a message from someone thanking me for writing and how they needed what I had written that week. I was truly humbled. This isn’t my platform this is Gods platform. And He will work His will in spite of my failings.
Now I probably will do fun quirky things on here still... like shoe reviews lol. But I believe I needed the reminder that people do read my writing (you guys are actual troopers to get through my grammar and spelling errors!) and I need to be more conscious of that fact. It is slightly awkward for me when my blog comes up in conversation just because I don’t think that people actually read it. I love and appreciate you all so much and I really hope that I don’t misuse this blog, yet I also realize that this blog has been used to grow me. I want to hold it with open hands and be willing to let go if necessary. I hope and pray that God uses this for His glory!