I’d seen the look once before and it made my stomach turn as much in this moment as it did then. I had nightmares and wouldn’t be able to sleep because of it. It honestly traumatized me a little. It is the look of pure terror. The look were someone realized that they are completely helpless to do anything for the situation. They have let fear strike them to the very deepest part of their heart. Their eyes are wide and their outward actions are made in blind panic. They can barely think straight. It’s pretty disturbing to witness.
The first time I saw it I was 15. I was the only girl at home and my 2 aunts and mom where the only adults. They were spending time together. I was the one sister that just didn’t have an outing planned for the day. It was towards the end of my moms sickness and life was pretty rough for her. She found it difficult to breath. I was sitting on our bar stools at the counter probably reading a book or something when all of a sudden my one aunt frantically called my other aunt to my moms room. Things were pretty quiet but my attention for the book was lost. I just sat their frightened. The tone of my aunts voice cut my heart. They moved into the hallway and I could hear them talking in low voices about how my mom had stopped breathing for a few seconds. I needed air. I thought my lungs would constrict. I walked out onto our deck and sat there in the march cold afternoon. Someone had kindly brought a meal for supper, fish, I wanted to throw up because of the smell now.
That was the first time I saw and heard the sound of a terrified person. I had gotten over it. Until this past week when I saw it again. It was like I had PTSD or something, I started shaking. I could outwardly control it but inwardly I was sick. Déjà vu hit me like a ton of bricks. The past week had been hard with so many people that I was in someway connected to dying of cancer or finding out bad news about their cancer or even having the possibility of cancer. It was like the cherry on the top! I definitely felt like my sisters and I were being emotionally tested. We talked about it. How badly we don’t want people to suffer the same way our hearts have, or how mom did. It hurts us to see people in pain especially with cancer as the reason.
I can’t explain it. The terrible feeling of not knowing if you’ll loss a person you’ll love. The waiting game. The ups and downs. But I cling to the fact that as Christians we don’t mourn as those without hope. We have hope that there is a day coming where we will see them again! I don’t know what I’d do without that! Life would be so hopeless and sad. I have Jesus. My mom has Jesus. Life has meaning!