I could never quite get myself to do it. My dad asks me why I don't go to the grave and I really have no answer. I don't really like it there. It makes it feel so final... maybe to final. I have a hard time not saying "My parents..." still. Two and a half years have gone by and you'd think it would be real to me by now... but... somehow it's not.
The realest of realities is eternity. I do except that and I know that she is more alive now then she ever was. With what I'm feeling I'm not doubting God or the amazing gift of freedom and redemption he has given me at all.
I have never really gone through grieving someone until my mom died. From watching how my family is grieving I can see first hand that it is different for everyone. God created us with our own unique ways of dealing with life and how it plays out around us.
Some people completely shut down, some work harder, some cry for a solid day but are fine after and some carry it inside... like me.
One day over a year ago I had had enough of holding what I had experienced to myself and bottling it up inside. I knew the way I had to deal with it was to talk to someone that was unrelated and had viewed the whole ordeal from the outside looking in. So I talked to a dear lady in our church asking if we could get together for tea one day. I wanted her to just listen and have tissue on hand. :)
And so we did. I told the dear woman everything that had happened from the beginning to the end, and for the first time since my Mom had died I cried for her. That lady witnessed a very important turning point in my life, I wasn't afraid to cry for my mom anymore as of that moment, but also I forgave. I forgave my relatives for not telling me and my sisters the whole truth, I forgave them for leaving my family alone in believing for healing, I forgave my Grandparents for saying good-bye to Mom and telling her she could "...die now..." in front of my Dad, my sisters and I, I forgave my aunts for telling my friends to leave when I needed them most and I forgave myself for not being the daughter I should have been in those last days.
Seeing someone close to you suffer is one of the hardest things to live through, but it is inevitably going to happen to me again and to almost everyone on this planet. Because of the sinfulness of man and how far we've tried to run from God there will always be suffering and wars and evil. I'm so looking forward to worshipping Jesus with no tears and no suffering or pain. I desire myself to live for that moment and also take as many people with me as I can. I want everyone to know that every knee will bow one day and it will not be to an earthly image or a human, but to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ. And anyone who thinks otherwise has a surprise coming for them I guess!
I do still miss my Mom immensely and no one will ever take her place in my heart. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing she was here to talk to about my problems. I sometimes get jealous when my friends can go to their moms for advice or lean their heads on their moms shoulder. I wish I didn't have to give my sisters "the talk" about growing up because I feel like a child myself sometimes still. I wish she would still make us our meals, everything doesn't taste like she made it taste. But through all my wishing I know God has gotten so much glory from this and her life and death that my dreams seem small. I want my testimony to be of God's faithfulness in life and death, of which my mom portrayed so well.
She wasn't a martyr in the sense that she died because of her beliefs but her only reason for still smiling and being okay with leaving a young family behind was because she always knew that through her illness God would glorify himself in a way that people did see Jesus working in our family's life story. And the fact that even one person came to faith in our Lord Jesus during her illness and death meant it was all worth it.
part 2 will be more in depth how
my family and I reacted to my mom's death and
illness and what people thought.
Also I'll write about my first grave visit in over a year.