If you don’t follow me on Instagram then you won’t know that I took the plunge and chopped my hair again. The first time I chopped my hair was when I was eight. I had donated my hair to cancer care then and pretty much ever since. Its really nice to feel like I was making someones day a bit more happy.
Recently a lady in our church that had a type of cancer that the doctors deemed hopeless was almost entirely healed! I am overjoyed for her and her family! It is absolutely devastating to get the news that there is nothing more that the doctors can do! I know that so I praise God that her health has been restored! When we heard the news in our church that she was healed of the awful disease I first felt so extremely happy, but then there was a twinge of sadness. I wish my mom could still be here. I would be calling her and asking her questions and hanging out with her at home and baking with her… I know I would because thats what she did with her mom haha.
A few tears welled up in my eyes as people prayed prayers of thanksgiving for Gods mercy on her life. I was reminded in that moment that NOTHING that happens in this world happens unless God allows it. Which is actually so comforting to me. He is in control and since I trust Him and His will then I trust that whatever happens is best. That doesn’t mean I have no emotion to what happens, obviously I do. Definitely wouldn’t have chosen my mom suffering and dying but to her dying breath she wanted all the glory to go to God. And because of that I continue to hear stories of how my moms testimony in life and death effected people and actually I’m so proud of that! It wasn’t in vain! It didn’t end in death.
Have you ever heard the song with the bridge line “In death in life, I’m confident I’m covered by the power of your great name.” My mom was confident in her saviour and I am so glad that I have that confidence to. The church family, although they aren’t perfect, just like me, have helped me grow so much in my confidence and walk with the Lord. I have so appreciated my family in Christ for standing by my family and standing by other families going through valleys in our lives. Cancer sucks but there is hope in the midst of the pain with Jesus.
Transitions has been the the word that seems to best describe my 2018 year I believe. SO many surprises and amazing things and hard things happened in 2018. I know that he has been good through it all. There are so many things that I have learned. Some of which I never have published but still written down. I feel like I have grown up in a whole new way. Another word that was a theme throughout this year was forgiveness. I feel like I wrote about it quite a bit, reason being… I was really struggling with forgiving someone. I needed to write and remind myself of truths that I had in my heart. Although that helped a little I feel like I need to tell you the really big thing I learned through the journey.
I was justifying my unforgivness by calling it hurt. Although I was hurt I was also unwilling to forgive. The secret to forgiving was telling someone I trusted the secret. It wasn’t instant relief, in fact I felt a little ashamed. I was operating so much according to my feelings while living in unforgivness and yet the whole time I knew it wasn’t right. But after confessing to that fellow believer I realized that my mental broken record on the situation was stopped! I had trouble falling asleep thinking about what that person had done to me. It seemed to consume my thought life. The few people I told about it actually affirmed in my “hurt”. That didn’t help.
I was told ‘forgive, but you shouldn’t forget’. I talked to Jeffrey about that and realized that we had to debunk that thought scripturally as soon as possible because it gives way for unforgiveness. If you don’t forget do you truly forgive?! SO since this is the lie I believed for a little bit I thought I’d come public with the truth I discovered because of the lie.
Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others their trepaesses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” Seems pretty harsh, but that’s the point! Forgiveness is so important! God forgave us when we were in our worst rebellion against Him! He is a Holy God! You may say “Oh well He is God that was probably easy.” I can not imagine what pain He went through so that we can stand righteous before God. The Man that carried the sins of the world upon His shoulders unto to death definitely doesn’t sound easy to me. He bleed for every one of the sins you commit, every lie you tell every word of gossip you spread is a pierce to His spotless heart. So now that we understand that it is a choice to forgive and not an easy one what about forgetting.
There are probably two ways to look at the part about not forgetting and my sister reminded me of that when I got a little worked up refuting the way I took it. So I’ll give you you the one way then the other. The way I took it was that that gives you an excuse to hold onto bitterness. SO does God remember our trespasses against Him? Hmmm let’s check, Psalm 103:12 “as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our tresgressions from us.” Nope He doesn’t hold memories of our sin when we come humbly in repentance! Colossians 2:13-14 “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” He cancelled it. When you delete or cancel something it’s gone. Its really hard to get back most times. If we claim to be Children of God we have to forgive and with true forgiveness comes a washing of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness Is ugly. It’s hard. It’s a battle. Satan wants you to hold on because that means he has a foothold in your life. But its a battle fought in Jesus name is worth fighting.
I’m driving along one night, thinking about life, totally relaxed when all of a sudden and out of the blue two big black eyes and my eyes lock together. It was a split second. That was all it took to jerk me out of my mindless state back to reality but it was not enough time for me to process what was going to happen in the next split second. Our eyes meet as the body of the black eyes keeps running into its uncertain future. I realized very quickly that this would not end up very good and my only reaction was to brace myself. This is the story of the deer that ran into my car.
I have not been hit by a deer before. I have not hit a deer before. I have had close calls but never the real deal. This was to close for comfort. He ran out in front of me from the left. I believe that he hesitated just long enough for it to be his life saver and my money saver. I was going around 110 so a head on collision would not have been fun. He ran right into my passenger door and sorta bounced off my fender and ran into the night before the semi a ways behind me could finish him off. It all happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to process what went on until after it all happened. First panic, then relief, then shock. Every shadow the rest of the way home made my heart beat a little faster.
Now like two months prior to this experience Someone told me that deer run into cars because of the steady light and noise. I don’t know if that is true but hey it makes for a great analogy! Are we people that run to the light? I have been convicted of late how much of my heart is focused on the the worlds promises… all of the worlds broken promises. Gosh so many times we actually make the conscious choice of running the other direction! Its shameful! Oh how many times we feel his loving arms and yet we still choose the later. Why!? Because of the nature we born into, sinful nature. Our automatic response is always the world, It is not our natural reaction to choose Jesus. And yes it is a choice. How we react is a choice. Our choice. I actually snapped at my sister for something super insignificant, In that moment I had a choice, I choice my flesh and I felt so bad afterwards!
Why is darkness so tempting when all we do there is stumble around blind and helpless? Because the light exposes our helplessness, and we. don’t. like. feeling helpless. No one likes being a deer in the headlights that are exposing all your wrong chooses. It’s just plain uncomfortable and we definitely live in a world of comfort here in the west. We are very used to being comfortable. Oh but the beauty of the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit! When we embrace the light of Jesus and come just as we are and allow Him to work in our hearts. IT may hurt a little. It may mean forgiving even though forgiving that person is like tearing out your heart out! I know the struggle of forgiveness! It feels so much easier to hold on but confessing and letting go is so much more freeing then holding on. It will probably hurt like crazy! I struggled! And actually forgiving meant choosing not to think about it anymore. But there is such a beautiful reconciliation in turning away from holding on and looking to Jesus to now fill that void. Turn to the light He is waiting!
Over this past week I had a heaviness settle on me, I described it as “a peaceful heaviness” to a friend. The troubling thing about it to me was that I couldn’t pinpoint the reason for the heaviness. I didn’t know why I was feeling heavy in my heart. I talked to that friend and they asked if I was depressed, but I didn’t feel down just heavy. So not depressed. I continued wondering what the reason was as days went by. I then realized that I was thinking everyday about the prophetic words I have had over my life. I don’t know if prophetic words are controversial but I have always tried to write them down as soon as I am given one. They are, if not only interesting to look back on, a challenge to my heart.
I have had 5 prophetic words over my life, 4 of which have been written down and that I remember. Starting when I was 1. My mom would tell me that word every once in awhile, then when I was 12, 14 and 18. All in different circumstances and situations. Now I do not obsess over them. I am not constantly looking at them wondering how I can fulfil them. In fact three of the prophetic words are actually very general. But to me in that moment they were very specific. And now that they were on my mind a lot I started to actually think more deeply about them. I started seeing some parallels, but also a cool order to them! I actually feel very vulnerable saying what the words were because they are so personal to me but I also believe that the reason for my heaviness of heart was because I realized the gravity of what these words meant. Not only that, once I realized the “meaning”, at least the meaning for this stage of my life, God confirmed it to me.
When I was 1 and 12 it was prophesied over me that I would be a seeker and lover of Jesus, and that I would yearn for more of His wisdom and knowledge in life. Fairly general but actually profound. I have not always yearned for more of Jesus throughout my life. Some parts of my life I tried to go at things by myself (hint: it don’t work.). Over time though I have grown more and more hungry. In thinking about these words I kind of shrank away. Those are big things! It seems easier sometimes to just go with the flow and not have to work towards your relationship with Jesus. I don’t believe I am or will ever be the wisest person on this earth. Especially since I am really no good at articulating myself in person. Everything always sounds so much better in my head and it never seems to come out right. Which leads me to prophetic word #3, that I would be the leader of many friends. Pft, when the man said that I thought it sounded nice but then I realized that it was pretty near impossible. I am the oldest and in that naturally have leadership abilities BUT when it came to “the trio” friendship I was quiet and was typically the one walking behind the two on the sidewalk because sidewalks are always only two people wide! Oh it really depended on the group I was with but I never felt like a leader. Either I was obnoxious or quiet, at least that’s how I felt. So a leader of many friends... I thought that was silly.
When I was 18 I went to the International House of Prayer to go visit a friend that was doing a internship there. In the prayer room one evening a random girl came over and told me she had a word for me, that I would lead many to light by being a light in a darkening world. That sobered me. It was every timely for that moment, but also I sort of realized what my life was going to look like in that moment. Although at that time I didn’t think of my other prophetic words I did in this week and I realized two interesting things.
1: The order of the words. That my friends is not a mistake. Seeking God and His wisdom needs to come first. The fact that it was said twice is basically like an exclamation point. This is a must for anything else in life to be successful for the kingdom! Your heart Regan needs to be in the right spot and after that everything will fall into place. You will fail, you are human but seek Me first! Seek me when you rise and when you fall! Before you can lead you need to be a follower.
2: I think I realized my “leader of many friends” word is referring to this place. That is why my heart was heavy. It finally hit home that this is a platform that I have to use wisely. I don’t care if only one person reads this it is still a platform. When I realized that I believe it really sobered me. I haven’t used it wisely sometimes. Sometimes I’ve written when I shouldn’t. As soon as it hit me that that was the reason for my heavy spirit, and I was starting to get down on myself about it, I got a message from someone thanking me for writing and how they needed what I had written that week. I was truly humbled. This isn’t my platform this is Gods platform. And He will work His will in spite of my failings.
Now I probably will do fun quirky things on here still... like shoe reviews lol. But I believe I needed the reminder that people do read my writing (you guys are actual troopers to get through my grammar and spelling errors!) and I need to be more conscious of that fact. It is slightly awkward for me when my blog comes up in conversation just because I don’t think that people actually read it. I love and appreciate you all so much and I really hope that I don’t misuse this blog, yet I also realize that this blog has been used to grow me. I want to hold it with open hands and be willing to let go if necessary. I hope and pray that God uses this for His glory!