I could never quite get myself to do it. My dad asks me why I don't go to the grave and I really have no answer. I don't really like it there. It makes it feel so final... maybe to final. I have a hard time not saying "My parents..." still. Two and a half years have gone by and you'd think it would be real to me by now... but... somehow it's not.
The realest of realities is eternity. I do except that and I know that she is more alive now then she ever was. With what I'm feeling I'm not doubting God or the amazing gift of freedom and redemption he has given me at all.
I have never really gone through grieving someone until my mom died. From watching how my family is grieving I can see first hand that it is different for everyone. God created us with our own unique ways of dealing with life and how it plays out around us.
Some people completely shut down, some work harder, some cry for a solid day but are fine after and some carry it inside... like me.
One day over a year ago I had had enough of holding what I had experienced to myself and bottling it up inside. I knew the way I had to deal with it was to talk to someone that was unrelated and had viewed the whole ordeal from the outside looking in. So I talked to a dear lady in our church asking if we could get together for tea one day. I wanted her to just listen and have tissue on hand. :)
And so we did. I told the dear woman everything that had happened from the beginning to the end, and for the first time since my Mom had died I cried for her. That lady witnessed a very important turning point in my life, I wasn't afraid to cry for my mom anymore as of that moment, but also I forgave. I forgave my relatives for not telling me and my sisters the whole truth, I forgave them for leaving my family alone in believing for healing, I forgave my Grandparents for saying good-bye to Mom and telling her she could "...die now..." in front of my Dad, my sisters and I, I forgave my aunts for telling my friends to leave when I needed them most and I forgave myself for not being the daughter I should have been in those last days.
Seeing someone close to you suffer is one of the hardest things to live through, but it is inevitably going to happen to me again and to almost everyone on this planet. Because of the sinfulness of man and how far we've tried to run from God there will always be suffering and wars and evil. I'm so looking forward to worshipping Jesus with no tears and no suffering or pain. I desire myself to live for that moment and also take as many people with me as I can. I want everyone to know that every knee will bow one day and it will not be to an earthly image or a human, but to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ. And anyone who thinks otherwise has a surprise coming for them I guess!
I do still miss my Mom immensely and no one will ever take her place in my heart. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing she was here to talk to about my problems. I sometimes get jealous when my friends can go to their moms for advice or lean their heads on their moms shoulder. I wish I didn't have to give my sisters "the talk" about growing up because I feel like a child myself sometimes still. I wish she would still make us our meals, everything doesn't taste like she made it taste. But through all my wishing I know God has gotten so much glory from this and her life and death that my dreams seem small. I want my testimony to be of God's faithfulness in life and death, of which my mom portrayed so well.
She wasn't a martyr in the sense that she died because of her beliefs but her only reason for still smiling and being okay with leaving a young family behind was because she always knew that through her illness God would glorify himself in a way that people did see Jesus working in our family's life story. And the fact that even one person came to faith in our Lord Jesus during her illness and death meant it was all worth it.
part 2 will be more in depth how
my family and I reacted to my mom's death and
illness and what people thought.
Also I'll write about my first grave visit in over a year.
"His love is stronger then depression and fear" Laura Hackett Park - I Feel His Love
I had my "Worship" playlist running through this morning and that line caught my attention. It is so true and something that I had a big lesson on yesterday evening.
So I worked an eight hour work day yesterday of physical labor that was really satisfying but also tiring. I had scheduled a flight for that evening an hour after work which would have given me an half hour to get ready for flying typically but we had to work overtime a bit so I had about 10 minutes to get ready for flying... which if I was renting a plane would not be allowed due to the fact that I had no weather reports and I hadn't done my typical pre-flight prep work that I should do. So needless to say I was a little rushed and stressed and tired.
I got to the flight club and my instructor walked up to me and said (like he normally does) "So Regan. How's the weather looking today?" "Uh calm and pretty clear....?!" I replied sheepishly (I hate when I don't come prepared) He gave me a silly grin knowing full well that I hadn't checked the METAR (pilot weather reports) for that day. Then he winked at me and asked "So how are you feeling today? Ready for your solo flight?" I groaned audibly, "Uh, maybe...?!" as soon as I saw him smile "that smile" I knew that was coming...
"Regan I feel completely safe and confident sending you solo right now and you know its not your first solo so you have some experience. I'll come for one circuit if you want me too but only one, I want this flight to be all yours. You think about it and come tell me after your walk around. Okay?" I walked to the plane and opened the door to the cockpit. I texted two friends asking for prayer, then I commenced with my walk around of the plane making sure it was air worthy from the outside.
If anything happens in flight it is almost always the pilot in command's fault... unless its a engine failure... but even then those can be prevented sometimes. So before any flight the pilot in command must make sure the plane is air worthy and safe, which means checking everything.
I deemed the plane air worthy and went and found Greg (my instructor). He came up to me and asked what my decision was. I asked him to come on one circuit with me. He stressed that he didn't think I needed him at all but would come to put me at ease. He said I had to start up the plane by myself though and that he'd meet me on the runway.
I completed the start up checklist, started the engine, checked my instruments, set my compass, did a radio check, completed my brake test and taxied to the runway were I picked up Greg.
*DISCLAIMER* Picking up someone with a running plane is not safe and I hate doing it. I would never recommend it, ever*
I did my pre-takeoff tests for the plane (again making sure its airworthy) and then set up for takeoff. "Full power applied. Air speed alive. Portage North Hotel Charlie Foxtrot taking off runway one four doing circuit for full stop" and we were in the air. I get pretty calm once I'm up in the air but I knew had to land and drop off Greg.
Once we were down and stopped he told me I did great and then unhooked his headset, got out of the plane and walked away. I backtracked the runway and then lined up for takeoff. I took a deep breath... Like a really deep breath. I knew I had to pray to try and calm myself so I prayed out loud. It's really weird praying out loud into a headset :)
Then I applied full power and was in the air in less then 30 seconds. When I turned base to final I was a bit high and a bit fast which made for a less then perfect landing so I had to backtrack once again. When I was backtracking at about walking speed I realized I had gotten a few texts so I checked them and they were from my boyfriend! I texted him that I was scared and he texted back "God is with you Regan" at that moment all my fear left me. And I took off again but this time I wasn't scared! I flew till I was forced down due to the coming weather. I didn't want to land! I was having to much fun! But I still came down. ;)
So the moral of the story: Perfect love casts out fear. Do not fear for God is with you. I need that reminder often enough. To often. Christ is always with you.