After many months of silence I am back!
I missed you!
So since I last posted new and exciting things have happened in life!
I got a new job that I really enjoy, unless its to hot, then I don’t really enjoy it.
I have slowly but surely been getting more and more photography opportunities!
Jeffrey and I hit 1 year of marriage whoop whoop! And we are just falling more and more in love!
We are still babysitting a piano for a person that doesn’t know who we are. So that’s exciting.
I have added three new plants to my growing house plant collection!
We got a kitchen table finally!
We still use a box as our couch end table… one day we may get something else… I may be slightly attached to my blanket covered box though…
So that’s a quick update! 💜
Recently Jeffrey and I were laying in bed and just being silly when I was stopped. I just looked at his face and was overcome with a sense of fear. The same fear I felt when my mom was visibly nearing the end. The fear of loss.
Yeah I stuffed it back deep down where I try to keep it at bay and went back to being goofy with Jeffrey, he hadn’t noticed my moment of silence or the tears that welled up in my eyes.
Fast forward a few weeks to us watching the last episode of Stranger Things (don’t recommend… pretty terrible series) Anyway this girl is reading a letter from her father we watched die. Once again I started openly crying, to my embarrassment, because it wasn’t the movie I was crying about. The movie was an opening to that feeling again. I couldn’t help it!
Fear of losing someone I love… again.
Okay friends come and go in life. People in general come and go in life. I have sort of gotten use to that fact but most people have a support group of people that love and care about them. They stay with you for most of your life.
My mother. The one person that is always supposed to be there for you. She is the one the left this earth.
The thought of me being motherless actually still makes me shudder sometimes. It's a really hard pill to swallow.
Now I have a husband. Someone that committed to loving and caring for me the rest of our days on this earth. I doubt he will go anywhere anytime soon but that fear still creeps up and sits as a lump in my throat some days.
Its almost like a post traumatic stress.
Hope. As real as my fear is so is my hope. My utter dependence on Jesus and my human weakness is very real to me. My pride is becoming very real to me. Heaven is very real to me. Jesus is very real to me. So hope has become very real to me over the years. I would venture to call it my child-like faith.
Jesus says to his disciples in Matthew, Mark and Luke that you need to be like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. In three books, must have been important! We tend to call it a child-like faith. It takes humility. Some things that Jesus talks about in the bible an adult in their right mind would think is pretty, for lack of a better term, childish!
To believe in a God we can’t see.
To trust and surrender our lives to Him.
How does this connect. Jeffrey and I both have given our lives to Jesus. Even though that is a continuing story of surrender. Thus if I believe in the God that I can’t physically see and what He says, that means Jeffrey and my future’s are secure. Simply put, I don’t have to worry!
It sounds too easy, but in the easiness comes the peace. Have you ever felt completely at rest? Physically, emotionally, mentally? You see if I was completely at peace in God’s control of my life then maybe this fear wouldn’t be a thing? Or maybe this is an attack from the enemy trying to make me insecure in my Christ covered security? Which ever it may be both aren’t the life Jesus gave me by dying for me.
I have a living hope in Jesus that requires me humbling myself and seeking God in these times of fear. Sadness over losing my mom is a legit thing! Fear over losing everyone I love is crippling my relationship of trust in a loving Heavenly Father! It means my focus is earthly and not heavenly. It means that the temporary is more important to me the the eternal!
Lord oh to have an eternal gaze! What freedom of soul there is in living a life of surrender to Jesus and seeing the world through His eyes!