I can’t believe it’s been four years. Next year I’ll say I can’t believe it’s been 5 years. Time still continues no matter what. Honestly I wish those haunting, stretching and maturing years hadn’t happened. That I wasn’t a girl without a mother. That my family hasn't had to live with a reality that most don’t have to live with. It’s hard not to feel like everyone wants to be your counsellor or that people are judging your every move wondering how your dad continued to raise you or why you act the way you do. You inevitably mature really fast when you lose a parent, you have to, even with the world telling you not to let the circumstances mature you to fast. In my case I had to become a homemaker. I enjoy it! But I definitely felt weird when I had to think about what my family would eat for supper when all my friends were thinking about their latest basketball game. I felt odd and out of place, to mature for my years yet wishing I wasn’t.
I wonder often how things would be different now if my mom were still here. Dad would be the way he used to be. My sisters and I would have had a longer carefree childhood. Maybe I wouldn’t be getting married yet, who knows! I actually think my life would be a lot less busy. We would be hosting a lot like we used to. I wonder sometimes if mom would’ve let me be a pilot! Although I remember her saying that when us girls were moved out and gone she would make dad get his motorcycle license with her and they would go biking in the summer as much as they could. From that I’m pretty sure that she would approve of my endeavoured.
How sad! I just realized my favourite candle is almost done its life! :( anywho back on track…
So Friday March 23 came and went. I went to work. I left work a little early (10 minutes seriously drags at my job right now, nothing to do) I came home and made supper with my little sister because we were the only ones home till supper time. Then Jeffrey asked if he could come over and the three of us just talked and laughed till into the evening. Nothing happened. We got a few well wishes of people saying they remembered which is so sweet! I don’t expect people to remember anymore… 4 years is already a long time for someone to remember a date that not really associated with their personal life. It’s enough that one person remembers. But nothing happened. Which is okay. I think the fact that the day went by normally and I was happy all day made it better. Nothing happened to test my mood. No one stopped by being overly sympathetic. I didn’t say anything on social media about it, which helps a lot.
I really don’t know how to finish this off.
I’m very grateful that my life has given me the experience it has, but I would gladly do without it if my mom were to still be alive giving me chores and telling me that I couldn’t do things. Be very aware of the blessings that God has placed in your life. (I’m preaching to myself here) everything can change in an instant. Know where you stand with the Lord and be very diligent in your relationship with Him. Life won’t be easy. I am so aware these days that everyone has their own story to tell, their own struggles and victories. We all have a testimony, and they are all worth telling!
This coming Friday - Saturday from 9pm-6am there is going to be a all night prayer room. I am so excited yet slightly apprehensive about the prospect, how am I going to stay up all night praying?! This isn’t a current discipline in my life. (I’m sure when I become a mom I’ll get a few chances for all-nighters.) It’s going to be an awesome night though and I’d encourage anyone to come… even for a hour or two.
Growing up prayer was something we did before meals and before bedtime. I remember my mom telling me that whenever she heard an ambulance siren she would always pray. Prayer wasn’t something that really was thought about by me till the church we had recently started attending started a family prayer night every Tuesday and my parents decided it was a good idea to go. I am beyond thankful that they did! I didn’t pray out loud for the first while but it has grown and deepened my own walk with Jesus listening to other women pray. I’ve had the amazing privilege of watching the prayer meeting group grow from around 12 regulars to over 50 regulars that come. Praise Jesus!
Obviously prayer is so important but why?! The fact that we as children of God has access to the King of Kings is something that we should never take for granted. We have never earned the right to approach the Perfect One. There was this movie that we would watch growing up about the story of Esther and in it they made a big deal about the touching the scepter part of the story. I now know how big a deal that could be! Even bigger considering that you are approaching the King above all earthly Kings and the One True God before all earthly gods. Sometimes to just sit back and consider that fact makes you appreciate just how merciful and gracious our Heavenly Father really is towards us human beings.
So with that in mind it is truly baffling that the prayers of the saints can either move or stay God’s hand. Prayer, whether intercessory or otherwise goes straight to God’s heart. Even people who don’t believe in God pray in desperate times I’ve heard. So there arguably is an inherent knowledge in all people that there is a God, that you can talk to Him, He is in control of all things and He cares. Longing to have a relationship with a God that is higher than us. To have a relationship you need to talk and as I tell my 2-5 year old Sunday school kids, Jesus loves when you talk to Him! So when you spend a night fasting sleep and praying that is a way that you show your surrender. Even if your heart isn’t there but you really want it to come to that place it is still a really good idea to do it. I have found that Jesus has met me in those times where I really didn’t feel like going to prayer room. Trust me they are sweet times when you give time to talk to Jesus.
I had a few of you thank me for the last post I did on racism. I don’t claim to have all the wisdom but it is so good for me to write how I feel sometimes. Thank you all for your encouragement… it really is so nice to hear!
Most of the time I don’t feel at all qualified to even write here. I see how incredibly messed up I can be sometimes. How my heart is prone to evil intent and wrong thinking. It is hard to be Christ worthy. I hurt sometimes. I grow bitter. I jump to conclusions. I assume. I regret things. I reject people that have hurt me to many times. I see so much darkness in my heart where there should be light. It can be very difficult to live this life in a manner that is Jesus worthy. Goodness, I want to crawl into a hole sometimes after doing something that I know was not God honouring and wish I would never have to come out! You know what I mean?! There are days where I want it throw a blanket over my head and not face the world! It is hard to do when you have a job to go to though. The other day I was asked if my marrying Jeffrey was me running away from something. At first I wanted to get really defensive, but I held my tongue. It made me think, in my lifetime how many times have I run away?! I am I running away right now? Fewf it made me think!
When Jonah ran away in the bible he definitely knew he was running away. It says the lord told him to “arise and go….” (vs,2) “but Jonah rose to flee to tarshish from the presence of the Lord.”... Yep he seemed to know what he was doing. This prophet of God, this man who knew God’s presence decided to leave it and flee. Running away never works and as we well know it didn’t work for poor Jonah. God put him into a situation that was very unusual and definitely out of Jonah’s control to show him that fleeing wasn’t going to work for him. From Jonah’s story I sort of came to the conclusion that one probably will know when one is running away from a plan God has for them. If you are not fleeing from the presence of the Lord then at least you know its not worth the effort to. So am I running away you ask… well I don’t think so. I long for His presence! I really want to be close to Him and to feel His fatherly hug. That doesn’t mean I always feel close to God, in fact sometimes I feel like I’ve wandered very far away from Him; but HE NEVER LEAVES!
I find it special that the last verse in Jonah is God saying that He has pity on stupid people. Man does God have patience! God has patience and love for a person like me who constantly messes up. Who does things out of complete selfishness more then she’d like to admit. Yet the Lord always has you covered when you feel like the world is failing you; which by the way it always will. I use His patience a lot. He sees the little sparrow, and so He sees the ones He created in his own image, with His own hands. You can't run away from that blessed fact.
I have a 100,793 things going on in my head right now that I could be writing about. Most probably wouldn’t be appropriate to write about and tell the world at this time. Some I haven’t fully thought out yet. And some are just a journal entry. But there is one topic that has gotten my attention a bit more as of late. Racism.
Boom. Some people are openly racist. Some are secretly racist. Some would say they aren’t racist, but actually do display racist attitudes sometimes. And some people genuinely aren’t racist! Racism in Canada is probably just as real as racism in the US, just not as widely spoken about and probably not even really recognised as being that.
I remember when I was 12-13 years old going with my mom to a paint store to buy some paint. The owner helped us load the paint into the truck and mom was talking with him. I went back to the truck just so ready to go home. Mom got into the truck and turned it on with a huff, “That was completely uncalled for!” she muttered. I curiously asked what had happened. She told me what the guy had said; a very racist comment. That was the first time I remember consciously coming face to face with the evil. I wondered what could make someone so mad at a different colour skin?! It posses people and becomes a very very difficult prejudice to dissipate. I spent 2.5 years of my life living in a majority Black community. My best friend was Black there, and my sister was named after her! I never saw a different colour! I still don’t! I love them no differently! Even writing this as though we are different is making me cringe! I have cousins that are family, which surprises people because we aren’t the same colour. It upsets me when people bring to light a difference they see; colour.
Now that said, culture poisons. If you are brought up in a culture or family that is racist then it is hard to walk away from. You see I wasn’t racist towards the Black community, but I realized later on in life that I was racist towards a different group of people, the beautiful Native American people here in Canada. Its a history of pain, rejection and disappointment for that culture. Our government so many years ago failed them terribly which has resulted in a vicious, seemingly endless cycle of more pain. The racism in myself was recognisable first by my fear, I was scared of them. They were given money and beer way back in the beginning and now it has become generations of drunkenness and depravity. I realised that this wasn’t all their fault after awhile. The “white people” handled it terribly at the time, which has more or less resulted in complete distrust on both sides. Money won’t cure a broken people… sorry federal government. Only Jesus will.
Jesus created man. Jesus created man in his own image. There’s a saying that goes, ‘We all bleed the same colour’, which is true and guess what Jesus bled red also when he died on that cross for ALL people. There is no skin colour in His eyes, all He sees are the sinners and the saved, also known as the heart condition. If we are desiring to be like Jesus then we need to see people as He does. He’s handy work. His beloved. His grafted in branches.